" My spouse and I are getting divorced and we don't know where to start." I hear these words on a daily basis in my divorce mediation practice. Yet, every time I hear these words, my thoughts are exactly the same. I am glad to have an opportunity to give information to this caller that will help him/her survive what can easily spiral into the most horrific experience of his/her life.
Getting divorced is hard in so many different ways. It is very worthwhile to consider the difficulties you will face as you begin the process of surviving a divorce. By anticipating these upcoming difficulties, you will be better prepared to deal with them as they present themselves. Being prepared will help enormously in surviving a divorce.
Emotional Distress - We all know that divorcing a spouse is emotionally difficult. You are breaking away from someone with whom you were once very intimate. You may be afraid of being alone and lonely. You may be afraid of never loving or being loved by a partner again. You may feel sad, even downright depressed about not having succeeded in keeping your marriage alive forever. You may feel resentment, even hatred toward your spouse for his/her responsibility for the failure of your marriage. You may feel jealousy if you believe your spouse will feel better than you will after the divorce is over. Maybe your spouse already has a significant other, or has more money than you, or has a better job than you, or seems less emotionally affected by the difficulty of separating from you, or has a better support system in family and friends. You may resent your friends and family members who have what appear to be successful marriages. Whatever your feelings may be, you can expect them to be negative and unwelcome.
Do not underestimate the significance of your emotional difficulty. Once the divorce process gets started, your level of emotional difficulty may become greater than you first imagined - especially if your divorce becomes mired in contest and hostility and financial drain through divorce attorneys. As many various factors come into play when you navigate the murky waters of divorce, you could find yourself spiraling downward to an emotional low that necessitates the intervention of a mental health professional. This should not surprise or alarm you. I am simply amazed by how many people do not seek the assistance of a mental health professional as they proceed through the horrible process of divorce.
If I feel that a client may benefit from the assistance of a mental health professional, I will suggest it. After twenty years of doing this, I have come to know some great mental health professionals for people who are getting divorced, and I am happy to make these resources available to my clients. Almost invariably, once these clients get mental health assistance, there is a visible improvement in the way they are surviving divorce. I am not saying they become cavalier or happy-go-lucky about their divorce, but they are better able to deal with it. Preparing yourself in the beginning for the possibility of needing mental health assistance is wise. If you manage the divorce process without the need for mental health assistance, great. But if you come to need this help, at least you will have considered it and won't be surprised by the depth of your distress.
Also consider the additional emotional difficulties you will encounter when your divorce begins to affect your relationships with people other than your spouse - your kids, your family, your spouse's family, your mutual friends, your personal friends, your spouse's personal friends, your co-workers and maybe others. The fact that these relationships may be affected is discussed below, but the emotional impact of having these additional relationship difficulties, as a byproduct of your divorce, is something many people do not often consider. If you anticipate these additional relationship difficulties before they occur, you won't be surprised by them and minimizing surprise helps in surviving divorce.
Financial Distress - Unless you are quite wealthy, there is no easy way to split one home into two homes with financial ease. Most of us live within our means. We do not have enough money left over to add another household to our budget. This is a consideration that you must consider in a realistic, logical way. The very best divorce professional to help you with this consideration is a competent divorce mediator. Far too often, divorce attorneys are only focused on fighting about why their client should get more of the marriage money or more of the marriage assets and less of the marital liabilities than the other spouse (called "the opposing party".)
The job of the divorce attorney is not to consider the needs or best interest of the "opposing spouse/party". In fact, many divorce attorneys sell their services by telling prospective clients that they deserve more of the marital pie than their spouse deserves. The divorce attorney may promise the prospective client hard work in getting the client a bigger share than their less deserving spouse. Sadly, these attorneys do not measure their success in achieving a result that is in the best interest of both spouses or their family. Consider that divorce attorneys are sworn to the "ethical" practice of "zealously representing their clients", which often translates to spending lots of time and lots of marital money fighting over assets rather than analyzing a case from the perspective of what is fair for both parties.
A divorce mediator is not restricted the way a divorce attorney is. A divorce mediator is able to work on behalf of both spouses. An experienced divorce mediator can help you and your spouse accurately calculate where you will be financially after your divorce is completed. This takes practice and experience. But if you can find a mediator who incorporates this skill in her/his practice, you will be on your way to minimizing the financial hardship of your divorce.
Social Distress - Divorce does not only affect you at home. It affects your relationships with people who have been friendly with both you and your spouse. It affects your relationships with people who are your personal friends as they begin to take your side in this breakup. Often, perhaps too often, friends become angry with your spouse for what they perceive as your spouse's fault in the breakdown of your marriage. Sometimes, they even become angry with you, for putting up with your spouse or for not being more demanding of what they believe you are entitled to, or, conversely, for breaking off your relationship to someone they think you should stay with! This can be a source of tremendous stress and can lead to additional relationship difficulties - with your friends and family and with his friends and family. Many people will offer you advice. Advice because they love you. Advice because they have been through a divorce themselves. Advice because they know someone who has been through divorce before. Advice because they have a friend who is a lawyer. Advice because they have a friend who has a friend who is a lawyer.Advice because they read about this in as magazine. And on and on.
Divorce affects your work relationships because your coworkers and/or managers may become uncomfortable with your personal circumstance. They probably won't know what to say when they become aware of your marriage breakup. Some will offer words of encouragement. Some will offer words of advice. Some will treat it with deafening silence. Some will think you're "milking it" if you need time out of work. Whatever the case, there is some effect on your work relations. Extended family relationships will probably be affected - in your family as well as in your spouse's family.
Consider the fact that distress will occur in your social spheres. By thinking about this at the start of the divorce process, you will be prepared for each occurrence and prepared for surviving divorce.
Finally, consider divorce mediation as an alternative to litigation. I have spent twenty years providing both of these services to divorcing clients. There is no question that divorce mediation is far superior to divorce litigation - fighting through lawyers and judges. Your emotional, financial and social health will thank you greatly to avoid the latter.
Susan Deveney is a private mediator of national prominence in the United States. She makes her home in the State of Rhode Island where she maintains a private mediation practice. Susan is frequently called upon to advise fellow attorneys and fellow mediators in the practice and art of divorce and business mediation. She offers mediation training in private and through seminars to these and other professionals who wish to become mediators or become better mediators.
Susan recently developed a manual for divorcing couples who wish to save money on divorce. The manual is available for a nominal fee by calling (800) 306-1020 or writing to Susan Deveney's office at 1395 Atwood Avenue, Suite 207, Johnston, RI 02919.
Additional information and resources for divorcing couples are available on the Rhode Island divorce mediation based website: www.divorcemediationri.com
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